


Pain Demands to be Felt

by superwholockedin



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: M/M, Self Harm, Suicide Attempt, be warned, hopefully you don't mind, i broke my own heart writing this, i went really off track towards the end, sorry - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-26
Updated: 2015-08-23
Packaged: 2018-02-18 20:05:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 11,059
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2360594
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/superwholockedin/pseuds/superwholockedin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Michael is hopelessly in love with Luke but nobody sees it...until someone does</p>
<p>The title is really random but please read...even though I suck at summaries :)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. how it begins

-Saturday-

"Ashy!" Luke cheered, jumping onto Ashton's back.

"Oof! Get off me!" Ashton said, but his laughing tone said he wasn't truly upset.

The two began laughing and bickering, which caused Calum to burst into giggles from the spot on the couch next to Michael. Michael was trying to watch a game of football but the noise of laughter and arguing was distracting him.

"Shut up!" Michael tried his hardest to make it sound playful, but evidently failed.

"C'mon, lighten up, mate!" Ashton said, dropping Luke and sitting on the other side of Michael. Luke put a hand on his shoulder, but the purple haired boy shook it off roughly.

"Leave me alone" he grumbled, not even looking at the others. Calum nudged him, forcing Michael to look over. Calum had known Mikey for long enough to know when something was wrong. He shot him a look that said 'what's up?' but Michael just shook his head. "I'm trying to watch the game. Nothing's wrong"

"Sure, 'nothing' has been bothering you for the past month." Luke muttered, barely audiably. 

If Michael was being honest, which he wasn't, he would've told them how he had been in a bad mood because of a certain someone that Luke was dating. He would have told them that he reallywasnt all that okay with her joining them on tour. He would've told them how he had been suppressing his feelings for the youngest boy for years now, and then when  _Lauren_ came around, they sprung up again. Told them how he had realized he was gay when he was in year 9. But, Michael was not being honest, so instead, he spun his head towards Luke in a second.

"I said nothing! God, get off my fucking back, Hemmi-" Michael cut off when Luke's eyes widened and basically filled with tears. He felt sick with guilt and immediately regretted opening his mouth. "Luke I-!" he started but Luke had already ran into the back of the bus.

When Luke, Calum and Michael were in high school, Michael hated Luke for no reason, even Calum couldn't explain the hatred. This fact, Ashton knew, but what Ashton didn't know was that Michael had actually bullied Luke for the dumbest things. His glasses, his outfit, the people he hung out with, anything. Michael hadn't done it to be mean, but rather the fact that he didn't have many friends meant he was so great with social interaction, so when Michael had first tried to talk to the blonde boy, joking about his outfit, and Luke had bounced back with a glare and some comment about how Michael wasn't all that great, Michael got angry. Of course, that anger wore off after Calum had forced Michael and Luke to hang out with him-at the same time-and the two became fast friends. They found out that they were actually a lot more alike than they had thought. Only thing was Michael would always only call him Hemmings. It was never said in a friendly, joking way though, always in a taunting and patronizing tone. Now if they hadn't been in a sort of fight and it was just a joking tone, Luke would've thought nothing of it, but considering it was no joke, it had to have hurt his feelings and bought back some of their stupid fights.

Ashton looked dumbfounded. He was opening and closing his mouth like a fish and his eyes were glancing from Michael to Calum and then the direction Luke had ran off in.

"What just...why did...?" Ashton sputtered.

"Michael Clifford! What the  _fuck_ was that?!" Calum snapped, standing up and glaring down at his friend.

"I...I.."

"You...you what?!"

"What just happened?" Ashton finally managed.

"Why don't  _you_ explain to Ash what the fuck that was about, while  _I_ go talk to our best friend, who's probably a mess right now!" Calum yelled, standing and following the path Luke had taken. 

Michael took a deep, shaky breath.  "Okay...um...You know how Luke & I hated each other for a year?" He paused and Ash nodded. "Well, we hated each other because I was a fucking asshole to him, all the time. I mean I would make fun of him for everything..." Michael explained the entire situation, watching Ashton's facial expression grow angrier & angrier with each word.

"What the fuck? Why the hell would you ever do that then?" His face was red with anger and Michael wanted to sink through the floor. 

"I-I wasn't thinking. I was angry..."

"Yeah, I'm sure you were really angry because your  _friend_  was concerned for you" Ashton spat. "I can't believe he'd still be your friend and see you every day, knowing you did that shit" he muttered before walking away.

* * *

There was a knock on the bus door.

Michael had been sitting in his bunk, crying and putting himself down for everything he'd ever done. For every word he said against Luke. For everything he'd thought badly about someone. For every time he had laid a finger on anyone. Everything.

Everyone was comforting Luke so Mike knew he'd have to go get it, so wiping his eyes he stood and answered it. Beyond the door stood a very excited and happy teenage girl, but she wasn't a fan or anything.  _She_ was Lauren. Luke's girlfriend.

Seeing her so happy made Michael want to scream at her, but he knew- somewhere inside of him- that none of this was her fault.

"Hey Michael!" She cheered, flashing her perfectly white teeth and waving slightly with her bracelet covered wrist.  
"Hey Lauren" he mumbled. It wasn't that Lauren wasn't a perfectly sweet girl or anything. She wasn't a gold digger or a bitch. She didn't seem to have even one mean bone in her body, which in a way made Michael hate her even more if that makes sense. She was beautiful, brunette girl with green eyes who loved the same music as Luke. She was funny, smart and beautiful. If Michael hadn't admitted to himself that he was in fact gay and, well, in love with her boyfriend, Michael might've actually dated her before Luke had even asked her out.

"Is Luke here?" her voice was still happy, but he noticed how her head cocked slightly to the left and her eyes were filled with concern. His eyes must've been brimmed red and he probably looked like crap.

"Probably with Ash and Cal at the moment. Upstairs." he said, trying to seem alright so she wouldn't be worried. Michael hated worrying people and often would cover up his problems with a stupid joke and a laugh.

"Are you okay?"

Michael nodded and flashed a small-and hopefully believable-smile. "Yeah...I got in a fight with the guys a few minutes ago...I'm fine, we'll be fine by tomorrow"

With a smile, Lauren ran in, calling out Luke's name. Michael dropped the smile and shut the door.


	2. Isn't it supposed to get better

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Michael felt horrible and wanted desperately to apologize to the younger boy, but every time he came anywhere near Luke, Calum or Ashton practically shoved him out of the room. He had tried to catch his eye, but Luke had been avoiding his gaze, joking and talking with the other two. Michael felt as if he wasn't even there, except for when he caught one of them glaring or something.

-Sunday-

Michael had been wrong. They were most definitely not fine in the morning and he knew that the fans would realize.

The band was on their way to a signing and so far Ashton had literally shoved through Michael 5 times in the last 2 hours and Calum had been glaring at him, practically non-stop. Michael knew that Lauren had noticed this, and caught the confused and worried glances she'd been sending him all morning but she hadn't spoken about it once, to Michael's relief.

Michael felt horrible and wanted desperately to apologize to the younger boy, but every time he came anywhere near Luke, Calum or Ashton practically shoved him out of the room. He had tried to catch his eye, but Luke had been avoiding his gaze, joking and talking with the other two. Michael felt as if he wasn't even there, except for when he caught one of them glaring or something.

They stumbled out of the van and towards the crowd of screaming girls. Michael probably didn't look so good today, despite all his efforts to look fine. he had been up the whole night crying and pulling his hair. He had tried to get rid of the seemingly permanent red surrounding his eyes, but nothing worked.

"Michael what's wrong?"

"Are you okay, Michael?!"

"Michael! Are you okay?"

Not everyone noticed but those who did, were shouting and asking if he was okay. He just forced a smile and nodded. Michael signed as many things as he could and took as many pictures as he could. He knew that acting miserable would get him nothing but hate. He also knew that these girls spent hours waiting here to meet them and that he shouldn't ruin their day and have wasted their time.

The rest of the band smiled and joked around in front of him, smiling at a girl here or answering a question there. Michael's smile faded and he looked down to the ground, before looking up and plastering it on again. They made it to their seats and the girls started pouring in.

* * *

They had gotten through about half of the girls and Michael thought his hand would fall off, but it was worth every single second of it.

"Oh my gosh, I'm so happy I get to meet you guys." A girl squeal as she handed Luke her CD. He signed it and smiled at her before passing it down. It made it to Michael and he went to sign it, flashing a smile her way, when it was suddenly ripped away from his hand. "Ew. I don't want your autograph. You don't deserve to be in this band, they'd be better without you" she hissed, moving so only he could hear. He dropped his empty hand, and his smile, and nodded.

"Sorry. Have a nice day" he said quietly as she walked off. He'd obviously never tell anyone else this, but this wasn't the first time he'd been told this-today.

None of the boys noticed how Michael's smile dimmed and got even more fake. Nobody noticed the tears that Michael was blinking away.

* * *

Michael collapsed onto his bed. The guys and Lauren were out-dinner or a movie or something- and Michael was alone, once again.

He couldn't stop thinking about the words that girl had said.

_You don't deserve to be in this band, they'd be better without you_

Luke was obviously happier with just Cal and Ash. Ash and Cal wouldn't miss him. The fans didn't want him in the band anyway. 

Soon enough, he doesn't know how, but he's on the floor with his phone open, scrolling through hate, in one hand and the blade, shiny but covered with red. He smiled evily before dragging the blade across his wrist. The pain was there but it was faint compared to the pain in his chest. He couldn't bare the thought of Luke and Lauren. Of Luke hating him. Of Ash and Calum hating him.Calum was Michael's first friend and the only one ever there for him for so long, he'd become dependent upon him. Now that he couldn't turn to Calum, Ash or Luke and he was on his own, the thoughts that once made him sob and cut his body repeatedly were back.

* * *

-Monday-

Luke woke up to the sound of someone moving around in the lounge, being that he was such a light sleeper.

The bus was driving to the hotel in Toronto, Canada and it was going to be a day of just chilling and driving.

He groggily got out of bed and walked into the lounge, expecting Ashton or Calum making a mess but it was Michael, purple hair poking out of a gray beanie, his misfits sweater over black skinny jeans.

Luke glanced at the clock, it was only 8 AM on a day that they had off, why was Michael up and dressed already?

"Michael?" Luke's voice cracked from sleepiness. Michael nearly jumped out of his skin and spun around.

"Oh. Hey" he sent a very clearly fake smile toward the younger boy and then turned back around.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, of course, why wouldn't I be?"

"Because it's 8:36 in the morning and we have nowhere to be, yet you're in the kitchen fully dressed...why?"

"Couldn't sleep..." he trailed off. After a few moments of silence, he asked, voice in monotone that almost scared Luke. "Why are you talking to me? I'm shocked your bodyguards haven't come a dragged me off yet." Michael let out a dry laugh.

"I never asked them to do that y'know?"

"Yeah, well someone should tell them" he mumbled, dropping his gaze. 

Michael sat on the couch and Luke sat in the seat next to him.

"I'm sorry by the way" Michael mumbled.

"No, I overreacted. I...I shouldn't have been annoying-"

"You weren't annoying me" Michael interrupted and Luke became very aware that Michael was staring at him. Luke looked up at him and Michael ducked his head, focusing on the phone in front of him. "You never annoy me" he added, softer this time.

Luke was thinking of a way to respond to that when Lauren's sweet voice floated into the room.

"Luke" she whined in her adorable morning voice and a smile formed across Luke's face. The brunette waltzed into the room wearing a t-shirt that was obviously Luke's and a pair of short black shorts. She came over to the couch and sat in Luke's lap, making Michael jealous and uncomfortable. He shifted slightly before standing up and escaping to his bunk quickly.

He practically jumped into his bunk and buried himself in his blankets. He wanted to scream and cry. He wanted to yell at Lauren for being in love with the boy he was hopelessly in love with. He wanted to yell at Luke for not realizing that he was in love with him. He wanted to yell at Calum because he was supposed to be his best friend. He was supposed to be able to tell him that he was in love with Luke and tell him his problems.

But he couldn't do any of that, so Michael reached into his jeans pockets and retrieved the shinning piece of metal. He pulled the sleeve of his black sweater up and pressed the metal to a clean part of his wrist, though there was barely any left. He watched as the skin broke and the blood bubbled out quickly and dripped onto his jeans. He knew he should be worried that the blood wouldn't come out and that the boys would notice, but he couldn't bring himself to care. 


	3. Pain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Nothing matters anymore. Not this stupid band. Not the thousands of girls lined up to see us everyday. Not this fucking life!"

It's been 3 weeks. The band was now in some other country, Michael had stopped remembering or caring. and was staying in a hotel and Michael was alone again. The rooming went: Luke and Lauren; Calum and Ashton; Michael.

Michael should have been upset or angry that none of the boys had even wanted to room with him. He should have been hurt or betrayed. But Michael had stopped feeling things somewhere in Philadelphia.

He sat in his room, alone, listening to the sound of Luke and Lauren having some pillow fight or something through the paper thin walls and the sound of Ashton and Calum laughing at something that Michael wouldn't see. It'd been a long time since Michael had really laughed, or smiled. Sure, he would fake one for the fans, he didn't want to worry them. He would fake one on the rare occasions that the boys talked to him.

Michael was torn from his thoughts by the sound of a knock on the door. Michael stood up slowly, wiping his eyes of the tears he didn't even realize had fallen. He turned the silver knob and opened the white door to reveal Lauren. She was smiling broadly and looked like she was on top of the world, but with one look at the boy in front of her, it dropped. Michael's eyes were puffy and brimmed red and his hair was disheveled.

"Michael? What's wrong?" It was a dumb question and both of them knew it. Both of them knew that she knew perfectly well what was wrong.

"Nothing. Allergies, y'know, they're a bitch" he tried to joke and play it off.

"Michael, I'm not stupid" she rolled her eyes a bit and pushed her way into the dark room. She sighed and turned on the lamp. "Sit down and talk to me."

"Why? Where's Luke?" Michael asked cautiously, like he was afraid that he would confess everything and Luke would pop out with the others and laugh at him.

"With Calum and Ashton doing something dumb, now shut the door, come here and talk to me"

Michael shut the door and walked over to the queen sized bed and sat down but his mouth stayed shut. Lauren sighed.

"Fine, if you won't talk, I will." she paused, to see if Michael would say anything. When he didn't she continued. "I know you're in love with Luke."

Michael's head shot up, eyes wide. He shook his head quickly.

"No. N-no! No I'm not." he shouted.

"Yes, you are. I can see it. In your eyes. Every time Luke wanted to hang out with me instead of you. Every time he put his arm around me. The other morning, when i came out and you immediatley retreated to your bunk. Every time he sat closer to me than to you. The jealously, the hurt, the pain. I see it all and it kills me sometimes." she confessed. Michael looked ashamed now.

"I'm sorry. It won't happen anymore." he apologized.

"Yes, it will. You can't fall out of love with someone and you do it without even trying."

"It's not like it matters anymore. He hates me so fucking much! It doesn't even matter! Nothing matters anymore. Not this stupid band. Not the thousands of girls lined up to see us everyday. Nothing!" Michael was standing now, kicking the bed leg.

This was a side of Michael that nobody ever saw and it almost scared Lauren. She was used to the boy who was so cheery and happy, teased Luke and played video games and made pizza its own food group.  Not the boy who was saying that his life was pointless.

"Michael?" she stood up slowly, moving closer to him.

"Don't!" He yelled, flinching away from her. "Don't touch me!" Before Lauren knew what was happening, Michael had locked the bathroom door in her face. Lauren panicked, she didn't know what to do. She didn't know what  _he_ would do.

Suddenly, Lauren remember the marks she'd seen on Michael's arms when his sweaters rode up and nearly screamed.

"Michael! Michael, please!" she begged. There was no answer. She fumbled for her phone and dialed for an ambulance. Then she took off in a run, rushing next door, banging on the door loudly and quickly, there was no time.

"Jeez someone's horny" Calum joked, opening the door. Lauren stood there, panic in her eyes and shaking all over. "What's wrong?"

"I-It's Michael. Somethings wrong"

"Yeah, there's a lot wrong with Michael." Ashton entered from the room's bathroom.

"No. No. No I mean, h-he was crying and then he started yelling about how pointless life is and then h-he locked himself in the bathroom. I-I called the hospital already." she didn't pause for a breath once and once she was done she raced back to Michael's room.

"Michael?!" she screamed, banging on the door. "Please open the door!"

"Move Lauren." Luke's voice came from behind her. She turned and Ashton stood with a screwdriver. He quickly went onto his knees and placed the screwdriver in, picking the lock as quickly as he could. He pushed the door open and he went pale. Lauren, the only other one that could see in the room, practically fell into the room and screamed.

Michael laid, leaning against the wall, his wrists leaking blood. She took a towel that laid on the counter and pushed it onto his wrist. She saw Ashton and Calum crying. She saw Luke vomiting into the room trash. She didn't care how sorry they were now, this was their fault.

* * *

"He's unstable at the moment, we will let you see him when his condition improves" the doctor reported before walking away.

Lauren crossed her arms, scoffed and rolled her eyes at the 3 boys next to her, who were practically drowning in their own tears.

"You guys are idiotic assholes, did you know that?"

"W-what?" Luke asked, looking at his girlfriend in disbelief. "Why..?"

"Because this is your fault" she said, gesturing to all of them. "All of your faults"

"How is this our fault?" Calum asked, anger almost overpowering his sobs.  _Almost._

"Because you guys just  _had_ to be absolute dicks after Michael made one slip up. He would walk on water for you, Luke and you all know it. You know he's sorry for what he did and yet you asses still won't let him forget it. I've been here almost 4 weeks and not once has one of you talked to him longer than 'what do you want for dinner?'. I mean c'mon tell me you didn't see it" she said. The boys looked at each other in confusion.

"S-seen what?" Ashton was almost afraid to ask.

"You think that  _this_ was just a random thing!? That he hadn't been set on this for weeks?! You're honestly going to say that after living with this boy for 3 years you can't tell when he's forcing a smile or dying inside!? I could tell. Every time you guys ignored him, I watch the light in his eyes get dimmer until there was no fucking light left in them. And don't tell me you guys haven't seen  _them_." When they didn't show any signs of recognition, Lauren sighed and lifted her wrist. "He could've done anything- _anything-_ to end it and he just  _randomly_ choose to slit his wrists?! You guys know damn well what I'm talking about."

"H-He said he wanted to be left alone when I tried to talk to him..." Luke barely whispered.

Lauren sat up all of a sudden and got in his face.

"You want to know the last thing he said? "Nothing matters anymore. Not this stupid band. Not the thousands of girls lined up to see us everyday. Nothing" That's the last thing he said. You guys are  _everything_ to him. He doesn't have anyone else! You guys are his family and his friends. You want to know how it must've felt for him?! Imagine waking up one day and having the entire world ignore you." she paused, "feels like shit, doesn't it? Nobody wants to be alone.  _Nobody._ Not even if they swear that they do." was all she said before she leaned back in her chair and faced away from them.


	4. Coming Out

The doctors let them see Michael, two at a time, about an hour after Lauren's little speech. Luke and Lauren went in first, seeing as Lauren demanded that she went in first and then said that Luke had something he had to hear or something. 

Luke pushed the door open and the pair walked through the door, taking in their surroundings. The room was all white, despite the computers and machines that beeped. Michael looked small in the large bed, covered by white sheets and a white pillow. His wrist was wrapped tightly with a gauze that was white, which meant that it wasn't bleeding...at least not enough to leak through the gauze. He was still asleep and actually looked the most peaceful Luke had seen him in the past month. 

"God, he looks so  _tiny_." Lauren broke the silence. Luke nodded slightly, unable to form words properly. He was still processing this whole situation and was afraid that if he opened his mouth to speak, he'd burst into tears or start yelling, he wasn't sure just yet. 

There were 2 chairs in the room, so Luke pulled the one to the right of Michael closer to the blindingly white bed. He sat down and Lauren went to sit in the chair on the left. Neither of them spoke for a long time, until Luke did after about 10 minutes. 

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Michael. I shouldn't have overreacted, when I know you were so sorry. I should've told Ash and Cal to piss off and let you talk to me. I should have just not been a complete dick." Luke didn't care that Michael was unconscious or that Lauren was sitting right across from him. "I'm so sorry, just please don't leave us. Don't leave me." he practically begged. 

Lauren sent him a small smile. She was still angry at him for all of this but she knew he was trying and that was enough. 

"L-Lauren?" Michael's voice was hoarse and cracking. His hand reached out for her and she grabbed it. 

"Shh, I'm here. I'm here and so is Luke." She said, pressing his knuckles to her lips and kissing them lightly. 

"Luke?" he asked. His eyes were open, just barely, and he looked over at the blonde boy who was watching Lauren's movements carefully.

"I'm here. I'm here." he said, repeating it again just to make sure Michael knew that he cared and that he was here for him. "I'm here, I promise."

"I-I thought you were mad at me?" Michael said, but the statement sounded more like a question. 

"No. I'm so sorry. I overreacted and was a total dickhead for not telling Calum and Ashton to let you talk to me. I'm so sorry." 

"Luke? We...kind of have been in here for almost 20 minutes and Calum and Ashton still haven't gotten to see him." she said gently. Luke nodded. 

"We'll be back soon." Luke said and something about it sounded like a promise to Michael. Michael nodded slightly and dropped his hand from Lauren's grip. Luke and Lauren stood up and exited the room, telling Calum and Ashton to go in. 

Lauren was about to ask if Luke was okay or if he needed anything when he turned to her, anger present on his face. 

"Were you cheating on me with Michael?" he accused. 

"I'm sorry, what?!" she asked in disbelief. "Are you joking?"

"No! Don't think I haven't noticed. The staring at him for long periods of time, the overwhelming concern for him and what was that with the knuckle kiss in there?!" 

"I 'stare' at him for long periods of time because I realized from the moment I walked onto that goddamn bus that there was something wrong--which there  _was_ \-- and the overwhelming concern?! Sorry that my boyfriend and his best mates had their heads too far up their arses to see that they were slowly killing their best friend. And that 'knuckle kiss' is a comforting gesture. I was letting him know that it was okay, that we weren't angry! That's what all that was about, so no, I was not cheating on you and I never have!" 

"How do I know you aren't lying?" Luke asked, still unsure of the information. 

Lauren started to whisper shout, because they were still in public and they didn't need to be mobbed at this moment, and Luke soon began to talk over her until she shouted. 

"He's gay for god sake, Lucas!"


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okay, i know I barely talk about calum and I'm sorry ! Don't kill me :0

"What?" Luke's jaw dropped as Lauren's hands flew to her mouth and she collapsed into the nearest chair. 

"Oh my god, I-I wasn't supposed to say anything. He made me swear, I'm such a horrible friend" she whispered, to herself mostly.

"Why did he tell you but not us?"

Lauren shrugged. "I don't know. I kind of figured it out and he couldn't exactly deny it so..."

"Oh"

* * *

 

Luke had told Lauren that she should get some air, so she went outside to the front steps of the hospital. Lauren couldn't believe what she had just done. She had just told one of Michael's biggest secrets and when he found out he would never trust her again. The thought of Michael shutting her out and keeping to himself was terrifying to Lauren, so she tried not to think about it. Instead, her mind went to  _what if's._

 _What if_ she had gone with Luke to play video games or whatever

 _What if_ she hadn't come to meet Luke on tour

 _What if_ she hadn't thought he would do anything and left the room

 _What if_ she had been too late

She couldn't stop them once they started and soon the mantra of  _what if_ in her head was getting louder. She pulled her hands into her hair and screamed.

"STOP! STOP! STOP!" she kept screaming, somewhat thankful that it was 3 in the morning and nobody was here, until a hand touched her shoulder. She looked up at the owner of the hand. "M-Michael? What the hell are you doing? You're supposed--"

"I know, I know. But they can't keep me in that room. I was getting claustrophobic in that tiny white room. Now enough about me, why are you sitting on the steps at 3 in the morning, screaming your head off?"

"I don't know" she lied, avoiding Michael's, who had sat down next to her, gaze. 

"Yes you do. Now tell me, c'mon, I opened up to you." 

"Yeah and look how well that ended up" Lauren said bitterly. She looked at Michael who looked hurt. "I'm sorry....I was screaming because all I keep thinking...since the moment the ambulance arrived...what if?"

"What if?" 

"What if I hadn't come to your room? What if I had gone with Luke? What if I was too late? What if---?" She was cut off by Michael's hand.

"Lauren. It doesn't matter  _what if_ because what happened, happened." he said, dropping his hand. 

They sat in silence for a few more minutes and Michael thought Lauren was going to tell him to go inside or something when she opened her mouth again, but the only thing that came out were tears. Not light tears either, full on sobbing. She leaned over, hands covering her face, and sobbed. Michael scooted closer to her and hugged her, allowing her to sob into his chest. 

"I was so scared. So scared. I-I-I thought..." she hiccuped.

"I know. I know. I'm so so so sorry, Lauren" he apologized, kissing her forehead.

* * *

 3 WEEKS LATER 

Michael has been out of the hospital for 2 weeks and every thing has been getting better. The boys apologized to him, about a million times, and persuaded him to stay off of twitter for a little while, until he was feeling better. Luke and Lauren had been going through some problems lately, from what Michael could assume. Lauren and Luke wouldn't sit as close as they used to or Luke wouldn't even try to hold her hand in public. It was weird, Michael realized, because Lauren was every thing that Luke had ever said he wanted. She was smart, beautiful and loved music more than life itself. He couldn't figure out why they looked like they were on the verge of breaking up, and as much as Michael wished he could be happy that they were ending, he couldn't because he had actually really liked Lauren.

"I'm going to get coffee, what do you guys want?" Michael asked the group that sat watching a movie. Everyone shouted various food items at him and he just laughed. A real laugh, something he hadn't done in months. "I'm just getting you all black coffee" he teased before leaving the hotel room.

He walked down to the local coffee shop that didn't look too crowded and had the least chance of him getting mobbed or anything.

"Hi what can I get ya today?" the perky cashier asked and he put in the 5 orders. When the drinks came back he paid and took the five cups, almost dropping them a few times. He was so caught up in not dropping the cups and walking that he smacked straight into someone. None of the cups fell from his hands but the other person's cup of coffee fell and splashed all over the both of them.

"Oh my god! I'm so sorry" Michael apologized, putting the cups onto a nearby table. "I-I'll buy you another cup"

"No, it's fine" he said. His voice was beautiful. _( not as beautiful as Luke's )_ Michael didn't know how to put any other way. He looked up at their face and almost couldn't stop himself from smiling. The boy in front of him had a mess of brown hair that somehow still looked good (  _not as good as Luke's hair in the morning ) and a pair of hazel eyes._

"No, I insist." Michael said, getting in line.

* * *

"I'm back!" Michael cheered, entering the hotel room.

"FINALLY! God you left for coffee _ages ago!_ " Calum complained, making Michael laugh. He set the coffees down on the table. He had to buy new ones because he spent so long at the coffee shop with Gray. He had bought Gray coffee and then Gray had insisted that Michael stayed and talked with him, to which Michael agreed to do. 

"Sorry, I lost track of time." he said. He felt his phone buzz in his pocket and took it out.

**Gray: It's Gray. Had fun today even though my shirt is really stained :)**

**Michael: Sorry again for that. I'm really clumsy and don't watch where I'm going**

**Gray: No worries. We should hang out again sometime.**

**Michael: Yeah def**

**Gray: How does tomorrow sound, or is that like against the rules?**

Michael couldn't stop the smile that was on his face for the rest of the day as he texted Gray.

Luke on the other hand, couldn't stop the tight feeling in his chest every time Michael's phone buzzed. He couldn't understand why he felt this way, he had a girlfriend and he should be glad that Michael had found someone that made him happy.

Right? 


	6. I'm Gay !

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I'm gay...and-and I...I have a boyfriend..." he finally confessed. 
> 
> Okay, this is extremely short but I don't want to ruin it, so sit tight in suspense :)

The band and Lauren were at the apartment that management rented for the month that the band had off. They were all hanging out in the living room. Ashton and Calum were talking about something in the corner, Luke was messing around with his guitar and Michael and Lauren were whispering in the other corner of the room. 

"You're not going to get a better time than this" Lauren said, gesturing with her eyes at the room. No one was doing anything too exciting or anything. "Just tell them. They love you, they probably won't even care" she pushed. "C'mon, Mikey"

"Fine. Fine. Fine" he finally gave in, standing up and walking to the middle of the room. Everyone stopped talking, because Michael just stopped in the middle of the room, and the sudden silence was enough to make Michael run back into his room and hide. He was about to sit down when he caught a glare from Lauren that said 'don't be a pussy. Just do it'. He sighed. "Guys...I want to tell you something...really...really important." he looked at Lauren again, almost pleading her to not make him do this, but she wasn't backing down.

"Sure, what's up Mikey?"

"Um..." he glared down at his sock clad feet. "Um...I just wanted to tell you guys that...um..."

"Spit it out, Michael!" Calum yelled and Lauren looked like she wanted to run across and smack him upside the head. Calum caught this look and muttered a 'sorry'. 

"I'm gay...and-and I...I have a boyfriend..." he finally confessed. 

There was a silence and then Ashton smiled. 

"Congrats, mate!"

Calum congratulated him next, standing up and giving him a hug. 

Luke looked shocked. Which was odd, for Lauren, because she had told Luke that Michael was gay like 2 weeks ago. 

"Luke, aren't you going to congratulate Michael?" Lauren pushed. He didn't react at first before slowly nodding his head and standing up to hug Michael. 

"So what's his name and when do we get to meet him?" Calum teased, nudging Michael's side playfully. 

"Uh...Gray...and I could ask him to come over today...?" Michael looked up a bit, unsure. Ashton and Calum nodded enthusiastically. Luke forced a smile and nodded. "Okay, I'll text him now" Michael smiled. 

* * *

There was a knock on the door and Calum race Ashton to the door, followed by Michael. 

"Guys, you are going to scare him away!" He complained as they opened the door. The brunette looked taken aback by the greeting but still smiled.

"Hey Michael and...friends?" 

"Hey Gray. Sorry, about them. Ashton, Calum move" The pair laughed and moved back into the living room. "Hey, they really wanted to meet you so..."

"Yeah...you want to go somewhere...like the park or something?"

"Nah...I kind of want to just stay here" Michael shrugged, letting Gray--who looked a little hesitant--into the house. 

"O-okay. So who are 'they'?" Gray asked. Michael led him into the living room where Calum and Ashton were talking and laughing loudly, Luke was staring at the reality television show playing on the telly, and Lauren was sat next to him, but they weren't even close to touching. Michael made a mental note to ask them later about that. 

"AHEM!" he cleared his throat and everyone turned to face them. "This is my boyfriend, Gray. Gray this is Lauren, Luke, Calum and Ashton" 

* * *

 Luke hated him from the second he saw him. He was absolutely perfect. He had brown hair that was brushed into a quiff perfectly and hazel eyes. He wore a long sleeve black sweater and skinny jeans with converse. He had a confident smile on his lips, his  _perfectly_ straight and white teeth shining. 

"Hi, it's great to meet you guys. Michael's told me so much about you guys" Gray spoke. His voice was just as perfect as the rest of him and that made Luke want to punch a wall...or his face, maybe knocking out some of his perfect teeth. 

"Hey" Ashton cheered, happily. Of course Ashton loved him, Ashton loves everyone and every thing. 

"Hey!" Calum cheered, almost as happily. "Hopefully he only said good things about us"

"No, absolutely horrible things" Gray said with such a straight face that the entire room went into an uncomfortable silence. "Kidding" he said and everyone laughed. Well, everyone except for Luke. 

* * *

Luke glared at Michael and Gray as they held hands and smiled. 

_It's not like you have a right to be jealous_

_You're not even gay_

_You have a girlfriend!_

His mind was screaming at him. He knows all of this. Michael wasn't his. He was Gray's. Luke had a girlfriend that loved him, he wasn't supposed to even feel like this, not for a guy. Not for his best friend. 

"Guys? Do you want to go to the park or something? It's almost sundown so it shouldn't be too crowded or anything." Michael asked, standing up and Gray following in suit. 

"Sure" Ashton agreed for everyone, but nobody argued, so it was decided. 

They left 5 minutes later for the nearest park and they all went to do different things. 


	7. The Truth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I put it as 8 chapters in this story but I might change that later. 
> 
> "LIAR" he spun around to face her.
> 
> That's the only thing you get for this chapter :)

They arrived at the park to see that it  _was_ mostly empty. There were a few older couples and little kids but no screaming fangirls that would mob them or tweet about them being at the park. It was nice to be in public without having to be in disguise. 

Michael and Gray went over to a part of the field to just talk or something. Luke couldn't hear them but every few minutes, one of them would throw their head back laughing. Every time Michael laughed Luke found himself smiling widely. Every time Gray laughed, though, he wanted to punch someone again. 

_stupid feelings SHUT UP_

He noticed, somewhere in the corner of his eye, that Calum and Ashton had gone to the other side of the field with a football and were playing a very competitive game.

Finally, Lauren was walking through the field. She looked so pretty. She was wearing a white sundress that looked amazing on her. With the sun on her brown hair, making it look like she had blonde streaks, she looked beautiful. Luke smiled and ran to catch up with her. He caught her hand and spun her around. She let out a laugh as he spun her over and over again. Finally, he let her regain balance and she toppled into him, both of them laughing. He leaned in to kiss her but right as they were about to touch, she pulled away. At first, Luke thought she was just being an annoying tease and was about to whine playfully, but when he looked at her, there was guilt in her eyes. She fell back onto her heels and squeezed her eyes shut.

"Luke. I-I can't keep doing this...hiding this from you" she whispered, so quietly that had they been standing right next to each other, he probably wouldn't have heard. 

"H-Hiding what?" he stuttered out. 

"A...A month before I came to meet you on tour..." she paused, a tear falling down her cheek. "I had a really bad day...I-I needed you but you weren't around. You had a big show that night and...and I didn't want to bother you" 

"What? A-are you--? You didn't..." 

"I did...I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean for it to happen. H-he saw me crying and...and he comforted--"

"I don't want to hear about that!" he nearly shouted. "Who was it then?"

"Luke..." she pleaded. 

"No, who was it?"

"L--"

"Who. Was. It?!" he rose his voice and Lauren saw everyone look up at them. She ducked her head and shame, hiding the tears that were falling from her eyes like rain. 

"M-Matt...from my university...I'm so sorry, Luke." she apologized again. The apologies continued to slip from her mouth as Luke scoffed in disbelief and ran his hands through his blonde hair. 

"I..." he cleared his throat to steady his cracking voice, "I thought you said you guys were just friends" 

"We were. It didn't mean anything" she pleaded. 

"Liar. I can't believe you cheated on me and then stayed with me for months-- **months** \-- before you told me." he spat angrily before turning and walking away. 

"I'm sorry" she said again. 

"LIAR" he spun around to face her. "If it didn't mean anything, you wouldn't have fucking  _done it!"_ he shouted across the field before spinning around and running back to the hotel. 

 


	8. Chapter 8

Lauren had come back to the apartment sometime during the night to collect her stuff and leave, Michael hadn't looked at the time.

He caught her as she was leaving the room her and Luke had previously shared, bags in hand and tears marking her face. She didn't notice him and he didn't make himself known. Not until she had made it out the door and was heading down the street. She stopped near a car that Michael could only assume she had borrowed for a ride to her house. The apartment they had was only an hour or so away from Lauren's house.

"Lauren" he called out to her. He had no idea what made him do it, but there was no going back once she turned around. "Why did you do it?"

She paused, bag half way into the air and halfway into the cars backseat. "I don't know, Michael. I was alone and I didn't think about the consequences" she said, but the answer sounded too rehearsed. Like she had been practicing the line for weeks.

"No, that's not it. You're too damn nice to do that." he paused, thinking as she continued to load the bags into the car.

"Apparently I'm not" she sighed.

"No, it's part of the reason I hated you so much. That you were so sweet"

"Wow, thanks Michael." she scoffed, slamming the backseat door and turning to get into the car.

"NO! No. I just meant, you are too sweet and kind and everything  _he_ deserved" he explained. "But that's besides the point! You're too nice to do something like that. Not to anyone." he paused again thinking. Then his face fell even more. "You didn't do it."

"What are you on about? Why would I tell Luke I cheated on him when I didn't?"  she rolled her eyes but Michael could tell that she was lying. He'd been around her too much lately not to. 

"Because you're so nice and sweet" he breathed out in realization, "You...why would you do that? You love him?"

"No, Michael. No one will ever love Luke like you do and me being out of the way, helps you both see it. God, Michael you are so amazing and he is so amazing. You guys need to figure this shit out and just...be  _amazing_ together. Okay? Can you do that? For me?" She pleaded before hugging Michael tightly and then getting into her car and driving off. 

Michael could barely think straight. How could he let her do that? How could he just live knowing that she would forever be remembered by Luke, Calum and Ashton as 'that bitch that lead Luke on and cheated on him' when Michael knew that she was innocent and an amazing friend? How could he do this?

* * *

  

"Luke?" he watched as the boy jumped nearly 2 feet in the air and spun around. 

"Hey, Mikey" he said. Michael saw how his eyes were red and he looked exhausted. 

"God, did you even sleep at all last night?" 

The blonde shook his head. There was a slightly uncomfortable silence for a moment before Luke asked, "Why did you go after her last night?"

"W-what? Why wouldn't I?" He asked. The question sounded dumb, as Michael would later realize, but Lauren had been his friend and done so much-- _including_ saving his life. 

"Because she fucking cheated on me and lead me on for months, that's why!"

Michael wanted so badly to tell him the truth right there, but he had to follow his plan. 

"I know, but she still saved my life and was there for me through all the shit that happened with me" 

"Yeah, I'm sure she was." Luke scoffed, turning back around.

"What?" Michael was annoyed now.

"You guys got  _real_ close, didn't ya?" 

"I'm  ** _gay_** Luke!" 

"Yeah, did you turn gay before or after you guys fucked?" he accused, staring out the window. 

"We never--! I can't believe you're really accusing me--your  ** _gay best friend_** _\--_ of having an affair with your ex!"

"Why was she in your room that night? The night that you tried to kill yourself!" the room suddenly got suffocating and Michael could hardly breathe. 

"Maybe because you were too busy being mad at me for a bullshit thing that you knew I felt bad about and had apologized for. Maybe because you turned my only two other friends against me. Maybe because Lauren was the only person that was nice enough to fucking consider my feelings when you guys had your little 'hate on Michael festival'! Maybe because she knew I was gay and in love with you!" the words spew out of Michael before he can even stop them and once they're in the air, Michael feels like puking, dying, screaming and crying all at once. He does one of the four. He grabs his hair with his fists and screams. He knows the argument probably woke Ashton and Calum from their sleep and maybe someone in Asia, but he doesn't care. All he cares about is that he just admitted to Luke that he's in love with him and that he's probably having a mental breakdown/panic attack right now and all Luke is doing is standing there, opening and closing his mouth like a fucking fish. 

A queezy feeling fills Michael and he suddenly pushes through Luke to get to the bathroom, falling to his knees and bringing up...well Michael doesn't really know because he hadn't eaten since last night's (uncomfortable) dinner. 

Luke followed him and handed him a glass of water when he was done. Luke wouldn't look at Michael and all Michael could think was  _oh my god, he hates me._ and  _I knew I should've just shut my fucking mouth and just let it eat me up inside because now he won't ever talk to me again and the band will break up and I've ruined all of our lives forever._

"L-luke? Say something. Please" he begged, his throat sore and his voice raspy. 

"I...I don't know if I can..." was all he said before walking away and leaving Michael alone on the bathroom floor.

Michael couldn't move. He couldn't breathe. It'd been a long time since he'd felt this way, but he knew the feeling well enough. All he could do was stumble into his bedroom, grabbing his phone and his most prized possession--thanking god that he hadn't thrown it away. He sat on the floor next to his bed and messily typed in Lauren's number. He picked up the bottle of whiskey he had hidden beneath his bed and took 3 long sips from it, feeling the alcohol slide down his throat and felt the effects almost instantly (i've never had whiskey before so idk).

It rang once, twice, three times before Lauren's voice came through on the phone. She sounded like she was trying to be happy as she enthusiastically asked if he'd told Luke and how Luke had reacted.

"Lauren...I'm...I'm sorry. I'm sorry I made you break up and ruin your perfect and amazing relationship with Luke" he apologized, trying to keep his voice steady.

"Michael. I told you last night--"

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry I made you so unhappy for nothing." he said, weakly. He twisted the little blade around his index and middle finger, watching as the sunlight hit it at different angels.

"Michael...what are you--?" she sounded worried.  

"No...No don't worry. I hate it when people worry about me" he slurred quickly. He heard her moving around. 

"Michael, you're scaring me. Please. Whatever you're thinking of doing, please don't do it!" 

"I'm so sorry, Lauren. Thank you for being amazing but now you can be with Luke and be happy and have a bunch of little Luke and Lauren's running around and you can tell him the truth. You two truly are perfect together." he said, smiling at the thought of the pair being happy. 

"I'm in my car. Please, just wait till I get there, don't do anything." she begged. 

"I'm sorry" he whispered again before hitting the end call button.

* * *

 

"FUCK!" she cussed as she raced down the street. She flipped through her contacts until she reached Luke's name and hit the number. It rang 6 times before it went to voice mail. She hung up and tried Calum. The same thing happened. She tried Ashton. 

ring ring ring ring rin--

"What the fuck do you w--?!" he asked, clearly angry by the way he cussed.

"Ashton, be pissed later! Go check on Michael!" she interrupted.

"What? Why-?"

"NOW!" she demanded. She wouldn't get there quick enough, not even if she went 70 mph.

She heard his footsteps and then the knock on the door. She heard no reply and then Ashton knocking again.

"Knock the door down, you idiot! He's not going to answer you!" 


	9. Chapter 9

Lauren bites her nails as she paces in the waiting room, again. She hadn't slept in hours, or was it days? She couldn't. Every time she closed her eyes, she saw it. Michael on the ground next to his messed up bed. A bottle of whiskey spilled over, the alcohol in a puddle next to it. A silver and red blade in his hand that was laying limply at his side, his other wrist dripping with blood. She remembered running over and shaking him. She remembers the way he opened his eyes just enough that he could see her and smiled a little before weakly saying, "Lauren. I'm sorry". His eyes drooped shut after that. She couldn't remember Ashton calling 999. She remember be dragged away from Michael. She remembered sobbing into Ashton's chest. 

All the boys had  _finally_ fallen asleep but Lauren still couldn't. She couldn't look at her clothes. They were covered in Michael's blood and she was shocked she hadn't been arrested or removed from the hospital. 

She was furious. Furious and scared. She just wanted to have some reassurance over this situation. 

What happened to make him do this? 

Did he tell Luke?

What did Luke say?

All these questions that she had no answer to and it made her want to scream. She wanted to yell at Luke, even though she didn't know what happened. She wanted to yell at Calum, because he didn't answer the goddamn phone. She wanted to hunt down Gray because he was supposed to be Michael's boyfriend and he wasn't here right now. 

She was taken out of her thoughts when a nurse called out, "Family of Michael Clifford?".

Lauren ran over within a second. 

"Are you family?"

"His sister" she lied easily. 

"Okay. He cut open two veins. He still hadn't properly recovered from when he split one a month ago" 

"B...but he's gonna be okay, right?"

"Yes...erm...would you like to see him?"

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay extremely crappy update bc it's 2 AM and I have pretty bad writers block. Thank you so much for all the kudos and comments ily guys thank you!


	10. Problems

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lauren runs out of her car as fast as she can and pulls out the key out. The key she had realized a little while ago that she didn't leave with Luke. The one she was going to return to him today. She pushed it into the key hole, almost screaming when it didn't turn at first, and then running into the flat.
> 
> Nearly knocking into Calum, who screamed something that she heard faintly as "What the fuck are you doing here?!" She bolted up the stairs to Michael's room and into the already opened door. She took in the site and let out a gasp/scream/sob. She faintly heard Calum and Luke's footsteps coming up the stairs as well as Luke's "what is she doing here?" and Calum's "what happened?" 
> 
> She scrambled for her cell to dial 999, when Ashton said, between sobs, that he already called and they'd be here any minute. She heard Calum and Luke come to a stop in front of the door and then the beginning of their sobs. She helped Ashton as he applied pressure to the already wet, red towels that he had put over Michael's bleeding wrists.

_Lauren runs out of her car as fast as she can and pulls out the key out. The key she had realized a little while ago that she didn't leave with Luke. The one she was going to return to him today. She pushed it into the key hole, almost screaming when it didn't turn at first, and then running into the flat._

_Nearly knocking into Calum, who screamed something that she heard faintly as "What the fuck are you doing here?!"  She bolted up the stairs to Michael's room and into the already opened door. She took in the site and let out a strangled cry. She faintly heard Calum and Luke's footsteps coming up the stairs as well as Luke's "what is she doing here?" and Calum's "what happened?"_

_She scrambled for her cell to dial 999, when Ashton said, between sobs, that he already called and they'd be here any minute. She heard Calum and Luke come to a stop in front of the door and then the beginning of their sobs. She helped Ashton as he applied pressure to the already wet, red towels that he had put over Michael's bleeding wrists._

She shot up as she realized that she had fallen asleep. She looked around and remembered. She had come in after the nurse had told her it would be okay and then fell asleep while talking to Michael, though he hadn't been awake yet. The room was white, just like the last one, and Michael was once again laying on the bed with his wrist wrapped tightly, machines behind him showing Lauren that- _yes, he was alive. yes, he is okay._ He looked up when she lifted her head all the way and looked at him. 

Michael was the first to speak. His voice was low and raspy, like he'd been crying recently, though there was no other signs that he'd even been awake until a few moments ago.

"I'm sorry" he said. **_AGAIN._ **

He was apologizing again and her mind flickered to his--what could've been--last words. Lauren shot up out of the chair, sending it flying back.

"STOP!" she took a deep breath, shutting her eyes. She opened them slowly before continuing, "Stop apologizing." 

Michael looked like he wanted to say something but quickly decided against it. Lauren picked up her chair and sat down slowly. The room was silent, besides the beeping, for a long time before Lauren decided she had to say something. 

"You scared me" she admitted softly, looking at her fingers as she traced a pattern into her right palm. Michael didn't speak but she knew if he did, he would be apologizing again and she didn't think she had the patience to hear him apologize again, so she continued. "What the hell? What the actual  _fucking_ hell, Michael?!" she asked, looking at him now. "You said you were going to tell him. I told you every thing would be  _fine_ "

"Exactly! You said every thing would be fine. It's not  _FINE_. Luke probably hates me right now. I told him and he couldn't even respond or even look at me." he replied angrily through gritted teeth. 

"He doesn't hate you." She was whispering again. "He's sitting in that waiting room, sobbing into Ashton and Calum and hell, even me at one point. He hasn't left. I can't even remember how long we've been in that room but they haven't left once and neither have I. Not once." she paused, but she wasn't even near done with her rant. She was blinded with anger from where she didn't know. "Michael, you think you're the only one with problems?! Guess what? I just had to lie to my ex-boyfriend that I cheated on him, even though I'd never do that to him in a thousand years, because I knew that he would never truly love me as much as I loved him. I have problems at home. My mom hasn't talked to me in three years. Luke has problems, now I'm not in the right to tell you them, but he has problems of his own. You're not the only one with these problems so stop acting like it!" she was angry, hardly remembering any of the words as they fly out of her mouth and before she can even process what is happening, she's standing in the hallway, marching back to the waiting room with tears falling down her cheeks. 

She reaches the rest of the band and they all look up as she slams into the chair next to Ashton, who has blood staining his entire front and even some blood under his finger nails, from when he tried to stop the blood, she'd tell him later.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> these updates have been horrible and short but I wanted to give you guys something since tomorrow is Mon(hell)day and I probably won't be able to post. Sorry !


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> SO I'M THE WORST AUTHOR EVER BECAUSE ITS BEEN NEARLY A YEAR BUT I'M BACK AND NOW I'VE DECIDED WHERE I WANT TO GO WITH THIS STORY I'M SO SO SO SO S O SORRY ABOUT THE WAIT BUT THIS WILL BE DONE BY TONIGHT

To say it took Luke a little while to work up the courage it took to go see Michael was an extreme understatement. It was probably the understatement of the year-century even. But when he finally managed to turn the knob, he still was nowhere near ready to see Michael in the state he was in. He had looked worse, sure, when he had been on the bedroom floor, near death. And Luke was forever grateful that he had called Lauren and was still alive. But seeing him like this-his wrists bandaged, but with blood seeping through, and the handcuffs around his wrists-preventing him from ripping the stitches. His eyes were closed, but he knew that when they opened they would be bloodshot from the alcohol and crying. The machines that gave him fluids made the situation even worse. They weren't bad, he knew. They weren't the only thing keeping him alive. It wasn't a vent that kept him artificially alive, but some how Luke felt like this was just as bad. Maybe it was the knowledge that Michael wanted to be dead. Maybe it was the fact that he now knew that it was his fault. Maybe that's why Luke couldn't really breathe as he stood, watching the sleeping boy in front of him. The weight of guilt pressing down, breaking his ribs, his heart, his lungs. 

He took a step forward and could hear his heart beat over the sound of his shoe hitting the shiny white floor. Then a shot of...something...shot into him and he was suddenly at Michael's side, clutching his hand tightly. He had come so close to losing him. Losing him because he'd been too shocked. Too scared. 

_"In love with you"_

Michael had screamed it at me. He had screamed it and then he looked disgusted. Like he would give up the world to take back the words. I couldn't look at him because he would've seen it. He would've seen that I was in love with him and he would've thought I was gross because he was so disgusted when he said he was in love with me. He couldn't have meant it. He wouldn't have thrown up if he'd meant it. Run, maybe? Avoided me? Maybe. But he was so disgusted with the thought that he was physically sick. And I knew my eyes would tell him the truth and he'd call me a freak for thinking that way. I couldn't say anything. Anything that would've come out would've been the words, 

_"_ _I love you too"_

But those aren't the words he wanted me to say were they? He wanted me to say that we'd never talk about this again. But I couldn't do that. I couldn't say that. So it was better to say nothing, and that's what I did. 

So how did this happen moments later? How come Lauren keeps screaming that this is my fault. How could I have done this?

"--ke! Luke!" 

I'm pulled back to reality by Michael's weak voice and I realize that I'm still clutching his hand.

_You're probably hurting him. Or worse, making him uncomfortable._

"Sorry" I say weakly, dropping his hand gently back on the bed. A look crosses his face but it's so quick that I don't even pay attention. "So, you're awake. How do you feel?"

"Good..." he mumbles weakly and another gap of silence follows.

Finally, I decide that he's probably too polite to ask me too leave, even if he doesn't want me here. 

"I'm gonna go, I'll send Lauren in" I say, smiling weakly, standing up and heading towards the door. My hand is on the knob when he says;

"Luke, wait!"

I turn and face him. He looks conflicted but I wait. 

"I have to tell you something--two things actually and you have to hear the whole thing out before you saying anything...okay?"

 


	12. Chapter 12

"Lauren lied to you" he said, there it was out. No argument, no if, and, or but. Just the fact. 

"Yeah, I know. She told me" Luke was confused, did Michael suffer a head injury? Did he forget that he'd already broken up with Lauren for lying. 

"S-she did?" Michael stuttered. This kind of ruined his plan and all but if he knew why wasn't he happier? "Then why aren't you happy?"

"Happy that my girlfriend cheated on me?" Luke was getting annoyed. Why would Michael think that was good?

"No! She lied to you about cheating on you" 

Luke froze. 

_What?_

_What does that mean?_

_Did she not want to be with him, so she made something up?_

_Did she just want to hurt him?_

_Did Michael know?!_

Suddenly it seemed to all slip into place. 

"She was in love with you" he said it like it was fact, not a question, and Michael was even more confused than before. 

"What?" Michael practically choked.

Luke was angry. Not only did she lie to him about not liking Michael but she probably set up that whole boyfriend/gay thing to get Luke to stop suspecting things. "You guys were screwing, weren't you?!?" he practically screamed. He didn't even let Michael finish before he was out the door, headed to Lauren to confront her. 

He stormed to the waiting room where the boys and Lauren were all talking quietly. There were other people, families waiting, some sleeping, but none of that bothered Luke at this very moment. He stormed over and stood over Lauren.

"How could you do that? You not only were screwing my best friend behind my back but you made him pretend to be gay as well?!" 

Lauren looked shocked. 

_Didn't think I'd find out, did you?_

"What-Luke what're you--?"

"Michael told me. That you lied about cheating!"

"Luke what else did he tell you?" she asked calmly. 

"I don't care. He was screwing you--"

"HE'S GAY. Lucas, I don't know how many times I can tell you this, but, he  _is_ gay. Gray really is his boyfriend, a crappy one but his real boyfriend."

"But you did cheat on me?" he asked when she didn't continue with a conformation. 

She was silent for a moment before exhaling deeply. 

"Let's go talk to Michael, Luke."

"No, just-"

"Do you want an answer or not?!" she snapped, turning to face him once again. 

He nodded slowly before following her. 

* * *

Michael sat in bed, he would've immediately followed Luke if not for the handcuffs, confused. Luke was even angrier now than before and he thought that Michael and Lauren were having sex? He knew Michael was gay...didn't he know Lauren better than that? Didn't he know that neither of them would have the heart to do that to the other? 

He was left in the bright, silent room for 10 minutes before the door opened once more and Lauren and Luke entered. 

"Tell him. All of it." she sighed. "And you, don't move" she said to Luke, pulling the two chairs together and both of them sitting down. 

"Lauren didn't cheat on you. I don't like her that way and she doesn't like me that way, I promise, I only like guys."

"Then why did you say you did?" 

"...because she was trying to help me out..." 

"Help you out by pretending to cheat on me" he said. 

"Because she knew that I love you..." he mumbled quietly, so quietly that Luke didn't hear. 

"Because what?"

"Because I love you and she was trying to push us in the right direction. But I know you probably don't feel that way about me and that's fine, you aren't even gay and why would you wanna date me anyway. I mean I'm just a loser that dyes his hair too much and gets all emotional when--" 

Luke bolted up, crossed the room and grabbed Michael's chin, pushing his lips onto Michael's for a solid minute. When he pulls away he whispers, "don't ever say those things about someone I love"

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *sing songy* How to make the crappiest ending to the crappiest story ever 
> 
> I'll have one more chapter but this story is pretty much over...

**Author's Note:**

> follow my social media?
> 
> instagram: phan.clifforfd  
> tumblr: imfine-iswear  
> twitter: 5secondsofhamm


End file.
